Only God

I know i havent been blogging for a long while and I didnt keep on going with my plan. The chinese government bans a lot of oversea webs, like facebook and youtube ( since they are too open, everyone can say and upload whatever they wanna express -_-) and I think our blog web is one of them. I tried to logon for many times these days, but i couldn’t. Still hope that it’s just our house’s internet problem.

My holiday is going not so well. I had been temptated into a lot of things which are against with God. All the time through 2009, I was with you guys, leaders, and sheperd, with everyone’s encouraging and watching, I kept on going closer to God. And i know, yea.. I was so inspired and excited with my plan and our plan just before I come back to china. But things didnt go the way that I expected them to go. For the first month, I felt like I was so free, I dont have to think about whether I’m going to prayer meeting or lifegroup or church, everyday is just holiday, everynight- free! I hang around with my friends everyday, play pool, go to club and bar, drinking, eating. Not thinking about whether what I am doing and saying is reflecting God’s will and rightousness at all.

But it’s not happy at all…I was so not happy. Every night I come back home, lie down on the bad, the feeling of emptyness, brokeness and fakeness come to me. I try to remember what I did in the day, I realise that all I did was so not meaningful and worthy. I was not being me at all. I started looking for the things that can please me. But I failed. Nothing can.

Now it’s been 2 months, I finally found the thing that can make me feel whole, the thing that can make me true and real. It is ONLY GOD. Every night, he talks to me. He breaks my heart into peices and teaches me that what I am doing now is not worthy and right. But I kept on saying no no no to Him, I told him that I wanna have my own life, I wanna do whatever I wanna do, I  wanna be free. But even though I said no to Him, he never leaves me. Just like how he held me tight 2 years ago when I just accepted Him.

I open the bible, He talked to me through it, ” And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” (Romans 14:4) I was being so weak and shaken, failing the test that God has put in my life, feeling guilty and lost. But God still keeps on telling me that, He will hold me tight and won’t let me go, he make me stand against the weakness and sin. In Him, I find the true mal and the life that I want.

That’s what I went through in this 2 months, thank God, Praise God.
I’m making a plan to help myself keep close to Him and not turn back again.

How are your holidays going? I cant logon our blog, sad,, feeling so lost and left behind~
If you guys have new exciting story with God, email me~

Love, Mal.

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